I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit