Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You Might Also Like
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
This is why I hate group projects
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”