Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.