It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.