I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.