First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
You Might Also Like
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Spotted in New Orleans.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*serious situation*
My brain:
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night