I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
This is not me but this is me
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.