Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
True freaking story!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.