Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.