I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.