People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in