I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Weighing up my bread heating options
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
this article brought to you by lions
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.