What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out