Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.