7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
You Might Also Like
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit