G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna