* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
i- i did not expect this
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.