“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.