Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
You Might Also Like
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
felt that
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.