My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
scrabbled eggs
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I love twitter
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Are we there yet?…