Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Monica just destroyed the internet
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
who wore it better?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….