My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.