My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants