WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping