My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
You Might Also Like
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.