Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.