if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away