if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?