if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.