*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance đź‘Ť
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
We cut our bangs at dawn.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you