[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Cake safety first. Always.