“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My boss called in sick of me
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
What personal space?
My dog
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Worst bar ever.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”