Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.