When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
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Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
lifehack: you don鈥檛 have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Barbie gone wild
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
You never truly appreciate Newton鈥檚 laws of motion until you鈥檝e sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T潭台坍滩瘫處蛺叹蛼蛻W檀台毯汰蜎蜅蛦虁E谈苔叹虈蜅蜐峁勌刺μ刻嘥谈泰太虗叹蛼Y谭台蛧摊虨虒虂虂蛯 痰抬虦蜌蜎虝蜆T潭虥虨蛻虙蛻虆岣低毺喬昅痰太虪蛪虁脣谈蛿虧态虂虒虉蜆S潭虧虡虛探蛼虙蛻-
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you鈥檙e making the cows nervous
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I鈥檝e lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans