*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.