First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door