I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
BRO LMFAO
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
is this a warning or an offer?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Every time.