Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You Might Also Like
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.