NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I didn’t realize that was an option
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]