If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are