If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
A small tragedy.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)