“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.