“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive