Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My what?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨