My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges