Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game