Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.