I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.