I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.