Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A short story of betrayal:
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: